


Adventures of a Reluctant Mary Sue

by Kadorienne



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Gen, Mary Sue, Meta, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-22
Updated: 2010-01-22
Packaged: 2017-10-06 13:35:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/54226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kadorienne/pseuds/Kadorienne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Metafic about a Mary Sue muse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Adventures of a Reluctant Mary Sue

Harriet Finkelstein felt odd the moment she walked into Hogwart's. It was disconcerting, after all, to have every male in the room staring at you as if you were the most beautiful creature he had ever seen.

Dumbledore seemed even more thunderstruck than the rest as she walked nervously to the head of the room. He was so poleaxed that she stood there for a couple of minutes before he remembered to get out Sorting Cap.

"GRYFFINDOR!" it yelled, so loudly that everyone jumped. Harriet, who had been hoping for Ravenclaw, started feeling even more nervous, especially when the Gryffindor table burst into thunderous applause while everyone else scowled darkly.

"What is your name, my child?" Dumbledore quavered, still staring at her as if he had never seen a twelve-year-old girl before.

"Harriet Finkelstein, sir," she answered politely.

Dumbledore bowed formally. "An honor to meet you, Lady Viviana Jasmine Lorelei Redwine," he said. Harriet looked around the room helplessly. Everyone was still staring at her. When Dumbledore straightened, he stammered, "If I may, my child, kindly tell me about your parents."

"Um. My dad's a plumber, and mom manages a shoe store."

He seemed not to hear her answer at all. A faraway look came into his eyes, which were still fastened intently upon her. "You remind me so much... of someone I knew long ago.... She was the most beautiful and powerful sorceress anyone had ever seen. She was the only person Voldemort ever loved. But no, it's impossible!" Dumbledore pointed with a shaking hand. "Take your seat, my child."

Bewildered, Harriet went to the Gryffindor table. A rather geeky but cute boy with glasses and an odd scar on his forehead was gazing at her as if she were an apparition. She thought about telling him it wasn't polite to stare. Trying to ignore him, she turned to the girl sitting on her other side.

"Um... hi. I'm Harriet."

"It's lovely to meet you, Lady Viviana. My name is Hermione. What on earth should I do about Ron?"

Harriet blinked. "Who?"

"I just don't know what to say... what to do... every time he looks at me, I just feel so -- but what if he doesn't feel the same way?"

It took Harriet a minute to find the thread of the conversation. "Um, are you saying that you have a crush on this Ron person?"

Hermione stared at Harriet, wide-eyed and stunned. "How did you ever guess?" she gasped. "You are so amazingly intuitive! Yes, I'm madly in love with him? What am I going to do about it?" She wrung her hands for good measure.

Harriet frowned, confused. "Have you told him?"

Hermione's jaw dropped once more. "I never would have thought of that! What a brilliant idea! I'll go at once!" With that, she jumped up and started toward the other end of the table, pausing to turn back to beam at Harriet. "Thank you, Lady Viviana. How can I ever thank you?"

"By calling me Harriet," Harriet suggested, but Hermione was already out of earshot, talking shyly to the only boy in the room who wasn't staring at Harriet with his tongue hanging out.

"Can you do any spells?" the cute geek asked her shyly.

Harriet fidgeted. "Of course not. It's my first day here."

He shook his head. "I bet you'd be a natural. Try something!"

Harriet shrugged. "Hocus Pocus," she said.

Instantly the lead tankers on the table were transformed into gold. While Harriet stared at them aghast, the teachers descended upon her.

"We'll have to put you in an accelerated program! This is amazing!" they were all saying.

"No, please!" Harriet pleaded. "I'm quite content to work my way up through the ranks like everybody! Honest!" But her cries were unheeded.

* * *

Harriet awoke drenched in a cold sweat. When she had caught her breath, she reached for the telephone with a trembling hand and hit the top button on her speed dial.

"William Morris Agency, Fanfic OCF division, may I help you?"

"Yeah. This is Harriet Finkelstein. Can you tell me about my next assignment?"

"Just a moment, Miss Finkelstein."

Harriet sighed with relief at being called by her own name.

"Here we are. Not a very big part, I'm afraid. All you're going to do is have a one-night stand with Blair Sandburg, who won't be able to perform because he's in love with Jim. As your contract specifies, you will not be exceptionally beautiful, neither of the heroes will fall in love with you, you will not give anyone any wise advice, you will not turn out to be an archvillain's long-lost daughter, and you will not save the day."

"Thank God," Harriet breathed.


End file.
